Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
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Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
Every time.
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra