I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
You Might Also Like
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol