COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
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Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas