What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
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can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack