As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
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Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…