Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
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FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
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A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
I just love that new Pope smell.
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in