Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
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doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
it’s a van. how do they not know this
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.