I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
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Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
I hate everything
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
That earthquake could have been an email.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
Self-cleaning conscience