[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
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🤣🤣
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
Education is vital
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.