[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
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Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
Roses are red, you always mattered,
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
No one :
Me when I swimming :
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
a public service announcement
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”