Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
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Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
cats when you pet them too long:
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.