[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
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I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row