Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
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WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me