me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
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There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it