My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
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Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.