Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
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By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
Beware…..
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”