When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
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Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills