<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
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Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun