“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
You Might Also Like
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
It was worth a shot 😂
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
Still my favourite meme.
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.