From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
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90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
When a shoelace touches your ankle
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.