A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
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Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
A leaf blower, but for people.
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
A tanning bed that turns you over like a rotisserie chicken.
Where are you going, sharks? I’m not done.
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
#gardening