A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
You Might Also Like
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.