My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
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“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
This did not end as expected.
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say