The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
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West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
hmmm
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
My diet starts in January
of 2027
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.