Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
You Might Also Like
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
why isn’t thunder called soundning
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
The game has officially changed 😎
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.