“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
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How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing