One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
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was driving on the freeway and this guy was speeding like a maniac, just weavin’ around, cutting everybody off like a damn nut. and then he exits the freeway at Zoo Drive! lmao this freak just trying to get to the zoo
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*