Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
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There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
When your parents check you’re ok.
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.