you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
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I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
what kind of cook setting is this??
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
My wife gives the best headache.
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!