Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
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I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…