Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
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*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
It do be feeling this way.
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
me the second it drops below 70 degrees