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I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I