It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
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I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
an octopus is just a wet spider
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.