Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
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It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
Tremendous stuff
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.