Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
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[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
never ask a starfish for directions
Become a minion. Get that bread.
Middle-aged math is going out drinking and feeling half your age then waking up the next morning feeling twice your age.
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
yeah no that’s fair
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life