If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
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Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.
…No, YOU shut up.
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.