COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
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Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?