Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
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“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
And that about sums it up.
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
You are what you delete.
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.