*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
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My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*