Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
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If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*