me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
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When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
(Gaming support cat.)
How do you like your Corgi?
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage