Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
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I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
He’s cranky this morning
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.