They are only bad decisions if you get caught
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*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
got so much cardio in today
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.