I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
You Might Also Like
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml