Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
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What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
Buying a well is money well spent.
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
i think my razor is having a panic attack
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.