Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
You Might Also Like
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”