librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
You Might Also Like
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
smh
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite