2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
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—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
good work, detective
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket