The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
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him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score