I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
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The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
WTF
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you